Process of vetting

To clarify some things about me … I am told I’m pretty intense.

I get “feels” and “aroused to great passions”.

I try to put the breaks on this by imposing time limits to determine if someone is serious and invested in being with me.

I have a process, it’s fluid and changes, but as of the past year or two it goes kind of like this …

Phase I)  Determining whether to meet

  1. Greeting someone
  2. Interests
    1. What does the profile state they are looking for?
    2. Do they list anything that you like to do or are interested in?
    3. Does the conversation putter out?
    4. What kind of educational background, reading, work or research in the chosen topic … are they are they level 99 Dungeon masters or just a squire riding along for the fun?
    5. Who do they do their interest or field with?
    6. How often do they get out to do the interest or socialize for it?

Phase II)  Transitioning to interested in the two of you and not just the chosen subject.  I tend to wait a month before doing this phase.  I do not want an easy come / easy go sort.  Analyze how you feel and ask some questions about the exchanges thus far …

  1. Did you message them or they message you first?
  2. Do they do their part to carry the conversation
    1. by responding with more than yes/no answers to well thought out questions?  This is a key indicator if the person is swamped with online messages.
    2. Do they ask you questions?  This is probably one of the biggest signs of interest – if you are asked zero questions – leave that person alone – they are busy being interested in someone else or something else.
  3. Frequency / Patterns
    1. Do they regularly respond?
    2. Whether it be once a week, daily or immediately – is there some set pattern of when they reply during the week?
    3. Weekends are a different beast.
  4. Direct
    1. Check and see if they compliment you or express interest in doing the interest/activity with you over the course of the discussion.
    2. Did they offer their phone number on the first night?  Probably a sign they are lonely which leads to some bad situations for your long term happiness.

Phase III)  Pre-Date work.  So we have someone we like.  They have shown themselves to be interesting enough to continue pursuing and that they at least reply to you.  Now we need to round out the picture of what we know about them.

  1. After a month, I start to think about questions like, what’s the situation around this person like?
    1. Do they have family in state, do we like families or do we hear horror stories about them? Does this person let the family run their lives via drama?
    2. Do they have kids, do we like kids?
    3. Do they have pets, do we like pets?
    4. Are they in school or looking to go to school?
    5. What kind of work do they have?
    6. Do they like the job or looking to switch?
    7. Are they going to be in the area long or planning to move someday?
  2. Figure out what other people know about them
    1. Stick both the person’s real name and their screen names in to google.  I have heard people weigh in on this before.  I would not necessarily stop talking with someone unless it was a safety thing, but I would have some questions to ask before I went on the date.
    2. Friends networks if you guys have any in common.  Please be aware, there is always more gossip than truth presented from even people who mean well.
    3. A quick check of the criminal conviction websites.
  3. A few tests – these will tell you more truth about the person than everything written above – none are automatically disqualifying, just warning flags.
    1. Are they willing to meet in a public location?
    2. A location besides the bar/dance club or around alcohol?
    3. Do they mind bringing a friend and you bringing your friend?
    4. If poly are lovers ok meeting within time constraints?
    5. The voice test, ask if they wish to speak online via a voice service or by phone.  Google Voice offers free phone numbers to hide yours and work with your current phone number.  So there is no excuse to not do this one before you go on a date with someone.
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